Nobody Sleeps in the Woods Tonight 2

Well, they made a sequel, and I watched it. I kind of wished I hadn’t. It wasn’t bad per se, but it was extremely messy and confused. It was like watching a game of twister in which everyone was trying to touch every circle at the same time.

I put this one on right away after finishing the first because I was interested in following the story of Zosia, played by Julia Wieniawa. She was an intriguing character with a potentially interesting backstory. I wanted to know more about her. She survived the first film, and I was hoping to explore her more in this movie. I clearly didn’t learn my lesson from the first film.

This film picks up mere hours after the last film ended. To catch everyone up, and with no restraint on spoilers… The first film ended with Zosia stabbing one of the lumpy twins to death with a machete and running over the other with a car. Once she was safe, we see that both lumpy twins generated and came back to life. They are unstoppable. They are pissed and ready to kill some more, so they can continue eating their victims and satisfy their endless hunger.

The next film begins with Zosia in prison. The lumpy twins sitting docilely in the cell next to her, and a crew of incompetent and cruel police wandering aimless around them. Why is Zosia under arrest? Because. How did they subdue the inhuman killing machines that were so powerful and unstoppable before? Apparently a taser was all that it took. The opening of this film immediately undermined the ending of the last film. It’s pretty disappointing.

But I can put aside my preconceived notions of what a movie should be and get on board. So, what is this movie going to be about? It turns out it is the story of Adam, a nebbish loser who is picked on by his fellow police officers. He dreams of being a hero, but he is a sniveling weakling. He’s a coward. He’s incompetent. He is abused and mistreated by those around him. He sucks, and the movie rubs our noses in how much he sucks and how awful everyone around him is to him. It’s really not any fun to watch. Anyway, he’s our hero, and point of view character.

Zosia is inexplicably taken to the cabin where the lumpy twins lived, so that the chief of police can interrogate her near the corpses of her friends. Why the hell is this happening? Who knows? He takes her there and leaves her handcuffed to the bed. Under the bed to meteor that transformed the twins unleashes another round of black goo that infects Zosia and turns her into a lumpy monster too.

Zosia, the character who was so interesting and full of potential in the first film is now the deformed monster of the second film. She goes around killing people. A cast of victims is assembled and murdered one by one. Finally, it’s down to Adam and Wanessa a fellow police officer who bullied Adam, but is starting to warm to him as they are bonded by trauma. Just then Zosia attacks. Wanessa throws Adam at her and runs for it. Ugh!

Anyway, Zosia turns Adam into a monster too, and the two decide to go murdering together and start an apocalypse on earth. From here on out, the movie isn’t scary. It’s just gross and depressing. Zosia and Adam has the grossest and most uncomfortable sex scene I’ve ever seen. They are in head to toe lumpy monster prosthetics. They are writhing in slow motion. It’s gross and unpleasant. They rip a woman’s face off. They stab a man to death. It’s just unpleasant and now that our interesting protagonist is a monster, and our wimpy protagonist is also a monster, we have nothing to root for. It’s just misery from here on out.

It also makes no sense and completely undermines the world and rules established by the first film. It’s just a mess. They wanted to hit so many ideas and they contorted the screenplay to fit all those ideas, but in the end they just made a mess.

That said, the movie is technically well made. It wasn’t bad enough that I turned it off. It’s also such mess that I felt compelled to keep watching no matter how gross or weird it got. I didn’t like it though. It’s not my cup of tea. C

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