Night Teeth

Oh boy this one is forgettable. I have had to remind myself multiple times that I watched it. It’s currently streaming on Netflix, but you really don’t need to waste time on it.

The basic premise is one of those secret underworld movies that wants us to believe that vampires are not only real they are living in modern day LA and have a truce with a secret society of humans. The vampires run a powerful empire only drinking the blood of willing victims and hanging out in leather fetish outfits.

I’ve always found these ideas silly. Vampires are super powerful. They are strong, fast, and live forever. They can multiply at will. Why on earth are they not ruling the world? they have nothing to fear from regular humans. Why the heck would they make a compromise and live in secret? It doesn’t make sense. Any human who threatens a vampire would get murdered or vampirized in seconds based on how powerful they are here.

Anyway, I digress. Disbelief suspended. This is the world of the movie. Okay, what is the story that takes place in this world? It’s basically Collateral, the Tom Cruise Jamie Foxx film from 2004. Benny, is a struggling DJ who talks his way into a chauffeur job for the night. It should be easy money for him. He just has to drive a pair of rich ladies around town to the various clubs and parties they want to hit up.

But danger is afoot! These are no ordinary hot girls! They’re secret vampire assassins! It turns out their boss wants to kill the other vampire families and take over the city. Benny is now the hostage of these sexy vampires on their night of murder. Will he survive? Will he fall in love with the nice vampire assassin? Will he thwart the vampire overlord? Yes to all the above.

This is a very paint by numbers movie. If you think it’s going to happen, it will. It breaks no new ground. It feels like any other secret vampire society movie. It hits all the predictable beats of all the other movies of its ilk.

That doesn’t make it bad. It is competently shot. It is well acted. The pacing is serviceable. It’s all fine. What it’s missing is a reason for being. There’s nothing about this film that feels like it needed to be made. It’s just an easy to watch rehash of things you’ve seen before.

In a lot of ways that makes it worse in my book. It’s two hours I will never think about again. It’s an experience I can’t remember having twelve hours later.

It’s not my cup of tea. C

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