The Night Watchmen

This is a mostly junk horror comedy that has its moments, but generally settles for lowest common denominator horror and humor.

To begin the movie is confused about who its main character is. We are first introduced to Rajeeve, played by Max Gray Wilbur, he is a burnout who has just left his heavy metal band in order to pursue an actual job. The only job that will hire him is a nightwatchman position for the Baltimore newspaper. There, he meets Ken, Luca, and Jiggetts, played by Ken Arnold, Dan DeLuca, and Kevin Jiggetts. This is a trio of losers who savor the laziness inherent in their jobs. They drink, play cards, and slack off to their hearts content. This is also where the perspective of the film shifts into murky waters. Rajeeve is our point of view character, but once the group becomes solidified, Ken begins to take over the narrative.

That night, they receive a delivery in the loading dock. The delivery is a coffin. It was accidentally delivered to the paper instead of the medical facility down the road. Well, wouldn’t you know it, the coffin is opened, and out pops a vampire clown. A famous clown was performing in Eastern Europe and became a vampire. In this movie, vampires are really just zombies. They’re brainless eating machines hell bent on biting everyone in their path. Once bitten everyone turns into a vampire. Why did they call them vampires instead of zombies? I don’t know. They don’t do anything with the vampire idea. They behave as zombies. They are killed as easily as zombies. It’s just a superfluous distinction.

Anyway, soon the entire newspaper is turned into mindless blood sucking monsters. It’s up to the night watchmen to destroy the evil and save the world from this outbreak. Too bad these guys are bickering idiots. It’s a pretty well trodden path of horror comedy. Take a horror movie, put a bunch of funny idiots into the situation and hopefully laughs ensue.

Do they ensue here? Yeah some of the time. There are some funny moments and some clever bits. I laughed a couple of times. I liked the bickering and hazing that they do to Rajeeve. Especially the fact that the character’s name isn’t actually Rajeeve. That’s the nametag left over on the used uniform that give him to wear for his first night. All the characters just all him Rejeeve. We don’t even find out his real name until the end. Details like that were fun. The trouble is that the movie goes for the easiest joke nine times out of ten. They have a reoccurring fart joke that never gets funny and never stops. Every time a vampire is killed they fart for a solid minute then everyone complains about how gross it smells. I guess that’s hilarious. Five year old me, might have liked it. But five year old me never would’ve been allowed to see this movie.

The movie is bloody and violent as the characters stab and shoot their way through the vampire horde. Now I like a good bloody gruesome time, but this one is only okay. The violent is poorly shot, and the bloody is copious, but unmotivated. They just get covered in bodily fluids and that’s the punchline.

All in all it was a pretty decent evening. I had a few laughs. I didn’t fall asleep. I’ve seen worse movies this month. I’d watch this again over that piece of crap Halloween Kills.

Not really my cup of tea. C

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