Zombeavers

Possibly the worst movie that I have ever seen twice. Zombeavers is going for a raunchy sexy horror movie, but is so ineptly made that it can neither be described as sexy or horror.

Zombeavers is a student film level of quality production that follows a trio of sorority sisters who escape finals by going to a remote cabin in the woods. There they are attacked by undead beavers. That premise should result in a campy, silly, horror bonanza. Unfortunately, the only thought that went into this film was wasted on the title. Someone thought they were very clever by naming the film zombeavers and thought that would fill the requisite cleverness quota for the hour and a half run time of this movie.

After an impressively stupid pair of truck drivers get into an accident and spill a tank of toxic chemicals (how do we know they’re toxic chemicals? They’re green! duh) onto a beaver dam the beavers become monsters and attack everything in their sight. This includes the three beautiful objects of sexual gratification, I mean the three women staying in the cabin on the lake. Seriously, the girls in this movie are so overly sexualized in their shorter than short shorts, their barely there bikinis, and their random displays of nudity, that they barely register as characters. They are trapped in the cabin as the ravenous beavers attack.

The beavers are made up of puppets and animatronics. These effects are not ever approaching passable. They are gloriously bad. These are garbage effects that would have been laughable in the 1950’s let alone 2014.

The acting is fine, but the script and characters are so bad as to render the actors efforts moot. Watching these actors try to make this awful dialogue work is like watching someone try to punch a tidal wave. It’s futile and the effort is embarrassing in the face of such overwhelming odds. Cortney Palm and Rachel Melvin come off the least scathed in this monstrosity of a film, as the two sorority sisters with the strongest semblance of character.

The budget clearly went to the blood budget. It’s full of gross out violence and gruesome blood and guts effects. All manner of body parts are removed by the crappy looking beaver puppets. This isn’t entertaining however. It’s just gross and excessive. Gross out effects can be so much fun, but here they are so poorly shot, so poorly set up, and so terribly executed that any fun that could be had is just gutted.

The film is shot like a student film. It feels as though the director was shooting his thesis film and just decided halfway through to make it a zombie story. It’s not a good movie.

This film deserves to be ignored and forgotten. I saw it years ago. I didn’t hate it as much then, but I’m smarter now. I realize how bad it is now, and I can’t justify its existence.

The is a bad movie. It is streaming on Amazon. Do not rent it. Do not buy it. Just skip film. Not my cup of tea. D

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